I did not realize how much of my freedom and power I was giving away to alcohol. I did not necessarily hit the proverbial bottom with the often seen loss of job, relationships, or trouble with the law but I lost something very important; I lost myself. I lost my relationship with my authentic self and perhaps my soul. Until I freed myself, I did not realize how much alcohol was dulling all aspects of my life. Sure it seems to numb out pain and stress but it also dulled every day happiness and joy. I was a people pleaser for as much of my life as I can remember - until I wasn't. I just wanted people to like me, accept me and want me around. I spent more time trying to figure out how others may want me to show up and what to say and more importantly what not to say, than on discovering who I am or could be. Because of my beliefs and feelings of not being enough, I thought I found the answer in alcohol after my first drink. I found the secret sauce. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind and I felt less shy; I felt cool. In reality, it didn't make me better in any way and I certainly didn't have anything more intelligent to say, I just didn't care as much.
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For decades, through college and long after, I used alcohol as a social lubricant. Studying, and then becoming a physical therapist, I was generally into health and fitness but I loved my drinks. I would take breaks from time to time and then more often as I started doing cleanses and generally cleaning up my diet more and more. But the first thing I would add back was my beloved chardonnay.
I married my husband (who was one of my best drinking buddies) and we had 2 children. As life stresses began to build and I found myself caring for everyone but me, I found alcohol would settle my nerves when I couldn't exercise or do anything else. It was like the easy button.
As I delved more deeply into my yoga studies, I realized that alcohol was not my friend and was often taking more than it was giving. But I found I was not as in control as I thought I was. I was not happy about this . But, I still believed alcohol offered me so much. I was in cognitive dissonance. This refers to the mental conflict that occurs when a person's behaviors and beliefs do not align.
I forgot how to BE without it. I wanted not to want it but how? I found Annie Grace and This Naked Mind. I decided to take a break from alcohol. I did the 30 day alcohol experiment September 1, 2020. I felt so good I did it for another 30 days plus for a total of 70 days. That was the most I had abstained in my adult non-pregnant life and I felt great ! I thought I would continue to moderate and do the work and read on my own- and since it was approaching the holiday season I would not be refraining. Who does that??Alcohol has been a very big part of family celebrations. As I lay in bed, hung over, one morning during the holiday season, I heard my little voice desperately tell me that I needed to make a change. I did not like who I was and the example I was setting for my children. I was tired of feeling shameful. I joined a year long program with TNM and found the freedom I was looking for and so very much more. I found myself again. I was always there just a little veiled. I drink as much as I want and I do not want it. I never believed I could be in this place. I feel so much joy and though I'm a recovered people pleaser, I do enjoy helping people that I chose to help. I enrolled in TNM coaches certification and am looking forward to sharing and helping others raise their vibration, find their authenticity and freedom by changing their relationship with alcohol.
